Dreading Thanksgiving This Year?
Tips for helping your nervous system feel safe and connected at family gatherings, even with people across the political divide
Thanksgiving can be a beautiful time to connect, eat too much pie, and laugh with the people we love. But let’s be honest—sometimes, it’s also a minefield of awkward conversations, old family dynamics, and that one relative who brings up politics at the dinner table. If the thought of spending hours with people whose views you don’t agree with has your stomach in knots, you’re not alone.
Here’s why: Our bodies are wired to react to situations that feel unsafe. Even a tense conversation can make us feel like we’re under attack. But there’s good news—our bodies are also wired to help us calm down and reconnect. Using some tools inspired by Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, we can show up to Thanksgiving feeling more grounded, less reactive, and ready to build real connection (or at least survive dessert).
Our nervous systems are like little radar systems, always scanning for signs of safety or danger. This process is called neuroception, and it’s not something we consciously control. When we’re around people who feel warm and supportive, we settle into a state of calm and connection. But when we’re around someone who makes us feel judged, dismissed, or outright attacked? Our nervous system shifts into one of two survival modes:
Fight or Flight: Your heart races, your muscles tighten, and your brain starts planning comebacks (or an escape route).
Shutdown: You might feel drained, tune out of conversations, or want to hide in the bathroom with your phone.
These responses are meant to protect us, but are not great for connection with family members, much less let enjoying Aunt Susan’s pumpkin pie!
The trick is getting out of those reactive flight, flight or freeze states and into what Polyvagal Theory calls the safe and social state—that sweet spot where we feel calm, open, and connected. The best part? There are simple things we can do to untie those knots in your stomach and create a sense of safety and connection during Thanksgiving dinner.
Pre-Gathering: Set Yourself Up for Success
Let’s start with what you can do before you walk into a house full of relatives. Taking time to prep your nervous system can make all the difference.
Picture the Good Stuff: Instead of spiraling about what could go wrong, spend a few minutes visualizing things going well. Imagine yourself staying calm, smiling, and feeling proud of how you’re showing up. (Pro tip: Keep it realistic—this isn’t about pretending everything’s perfect; it’s about setting a positive intention and mindset for yourself.)
Create a Pre-Game Ritual: Rituals help ground us. Maybe you start the day with a gratitude journal, a walk outside, or your favorite playlist. Or try taking some slow, deep breaths – one of the quickest ways to tell your body, “We’re safe.” Whatever makes you feel calm and steady, do it.
Anchor with an Ally: Line up an emotional safety net, ideally a family member or friend who makes you feel safe and connected. Plan to check in with them during the gathering to help regulate your nervous system. Positive interactions are like balm for a stressed-out nervous system.
During the Gathering: Stay Grounded
Even with the best prep, things can get bumpy. Here’s how to keep your cool when tensions rise:
Stay Curious and Listen: When someone says something that makes your blood boil, pause and shift from judgment to curiosity. Ask: “What makes you feel that way?” or “How did you come to that belief?” Try to take a deep breath and really listen. Genuine curiosity and the act of listening – not agreeing, just listening - can defuse defensiveness and open the door to understanding.
Find Common Ground: When a tricky topic comes up, gently steer the conversation toward something you both enjoy—whether it’s a shared love of sports, food, or a funny family memory. Or better yet, find a shared activity to do, like playing games or watching a movie.
Take a Timeout: Feeling overwhelmed? Step outside for a breather. Excuse yourself to grab a drink, help in the kitchen or connect with an ally. A few minutes away can reset your nervous system.
Post- Gathering: Recovery Time
Once home, take time to decompress and give yourself some grace. Your nervous system works hard during these gatherings!
Breathe and Move: A walk, some gentle stretching, or even dancing in your living room can help release tension. Movement resets your nervous system and helps shake off the stress. Pair this with controlled breathing to restore your sense of calm.
Reflect (Gently): Grab a notebook or your favorite mug of tea and think about what went well. Did you stay calm during a tough moment? Did you find a connection you weren’t expecting? Celebrate those wins!
Rest Up: Take an extra-long bath, cozy up with a blanket, or go to bed early. Your body and brain deserve a little recovery time.
Let’s face it: Family gatherings aren’t always easy. But they’re also a chance to grow, connect, and practice showing up as your best self. By taking care of your nervous system—and remembering that everyone else has one, too—you can move through the day with more grace, more calm, and maybe even a little more joy.
And if all else fails? There’s always pie.
